Last night, I spent plenty of time before going to bed making sure that my body was relaxed and free of the constant thoughts of stress that follow me throughout the day. I had my dog, Bella (the love of my life), in my lap; she is my snugglebug and what a little snuggler she is… with her in my lap, a relaxing show on the tv, and a glass of wine, how could the evening go wrong?
After climbing into bed a little while later however, my whole being was suddenly overwhelmed with thought after thought of fears that are extremely real to me, but fears I fight daily to put aside. Some of the fears are perhaps common to young people:
“will I ever finish college,”
“will I ever get out of my parent’s house,”
“will I ever be able to fulfill the dreams I have worked towards?”
As a twenty-six year old young woman however, these fears seem more pertinent to my situation, more real, more pressing. This fear especially deluged me as I fought to keep my mind above the psychological ocean that was gradually pulling me under:
“will I ever get better… at least better ENOUGH, so that I can get on with life?”
Perhaps, as an adult, having fears keep you awake at night is common. These fears keep me in their grip during the day as well, although most would never know; I think many chronically ill young people would say the same thing. One cannot tell me to “not worry, everything will work out.” I can only tell myself that my only fight worth focusing on is TODAY’S fight, and that is ENOUGH for me… if I get through TODAY’s fight, and help myself become healthier even just a by a slight measurement, and then fight tomorrow, and help my body become healthier again, just by a thread… these fights have been worth it, and they have been won.
But, you see, even though I can write these words, it is because these truths are what I say to myself as my heart beats faster and faster with each tightening grip of the thoughts of fears that seem as real as the truth.
Life never turns out the way you thought it would, does it?