I’m determined, stubborn, and extremely dedicated to getting healthy.
But some days, I don’t have it. You know, “it.” The “it” factor that fuels my stubborness and determination, the factor I grab with both hands and my heart, holding on with every fiber of my body.
These past few days, I’ve been keeping mental notes about what my next post should be; it just so happens, the past few days have been days that I have lost the “it” factor, the determination to fight for my health.
These past few days I’ve gotten tired of fighting.
I’ve even given up at times, tears threatening to take over the few hours of my day and survival draining my few physical resources.
You see, I don’t want to just survive – a term I would say describes many of the past years in my life.
I want to LIVE.
Without the “it,” the fight in me, I know that survival is all I can manage, and I can’t stand it. The swirl of discouragement threatens the very air I breathe as the word survival sinks into my brain and attempts to push out the idea of actually living and having a life.
I’m just tired of fighting, of taking the dozens of pills every day, of spending thousands of dollars on treatments that have no promise of working, of falling into bed every night wanting the next day to be better, simpler, easier.
While I rarely IF EVER share these intensely personal moments with anyone other than my immediate and fully trusted support team, I decided to admit to you, my readers, that these bouts take over from time to time as my body’s level of exhaustion reaches record lows.
These intensely personal moments are moments that I go through alone and RARELY share with others. Understand this, please grasp this and know I only share with you now because I believe others fighting chronic disease/Lyme disease go through the same moments and go through them alone, feeling like no others understand their deepest nightmares that are these moments.
After a few days, I will grab onto the fight again and kick my a** to rise above survival and determine to live. My support team and my baby dog remind me why I fight and help me recover my stubbornness again.
But today I’m tired: physically, emotionally, and mentally tired.
We all have our days, right?