“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it. “
~ Rabindranath Tagore
Sometimes I lie in bed,
terrified of what the next day will bring.
- More pain, more discouragement?
- Will I have any strength to believe that hope lies somewhere at the end of this tunnel? Hope that dreams, currently stowed away and collecting dust from necessity, will one day be dusted off and accomplished?
- Will I give into the temptation to give up?
A few mornings ago I awoke with these fears, especially the fear that I would not be able to get up and function like I needed to for that day. My heart was thumping loudly and I sorely wanted to pull the covers over my head and just wait for the day to end. When I finally got up, I took one step at a time: picking out my clothes, taking a shower, feeding my dog. It was, honestly, a minute-by-minute, mind-over-matter concentration to keep me from a flooding amount of anxiety.
Half-way through the day, I was still experiencing anxiety and a great desire to freak-out. But I was half-way through the day. I concentrated on the next hour, and the next, tears threatening as my brain slowly lost the small spark of power that flickered throughout the morning.
Guess what: I got through the day. The next day was better, although days such as the one described above come frequently. To my other LYMIES experiencing similar troubles as they struggle through youth and adulthood… It often is not day-by-day endurance required of us… it is hour-by-hour, or moment by moment.
Let me, however, share ONE secret that, while containing no vitamin, mineral or strictly medicinal substances, has the potential to cheer your SOUL. It does for me, although some may read the following and brush it aside as stupidity and helpless advice for those who are truly suffering (and not so long ago I would have said the exact same thing, please understand); but after nearly 14 years of experience, I know that every chronically ill person needs a “secret weapon” or a “secret” to help their soul through those dark days. Here is one of MINE:
While walking outdoors I often stare downwards towards the ground (reasons: acute sensitivity to light/no energy to hold head up/no energy to talk to those I pass) and in so doing, I come across stray pennies from time to time.
I pick up that penny, make a wish on it, and then put it on the dashboard of my car. Every time I see it, it cheers me because it has imagination sprinkled with fairy dust and a magical quality that no one else but I can understand. Though my wish may not come true, those pennies contain magic; they are carried on shooting stars to places beyond my knowledge, beyond my pain, beyond any suffering, while being tucked away as a fun and precious memory in my heart.
When passing by a fountain, I love to stop and throw a penny in as well, again sending it off with a wish and a sprinkling of fairy dust. Oh, I know magical places do not exist…
but during days that are sometimes only filled with existence and no life due to pain and chronic illness, the thought of my “magic” pennies keeps my childish spirit alive while my body ages quickly.