February 28th, 2015
It’s funny, being out of work due to illness. Spending so much time indoors changes you. When working I was guaranteed to be out and about every day, however now I sometimes spend weeks without starting up my car.
I’ve found that the great indoors fools with my mind. Once, I was full of self-confidence. Now I find I doubt myself all the time. Questions such as the following constantly flood my brain: can I try and succeed at something new? What if I fail at a task, like I did towards the end of my previous employment (due to illness, but still I felt that I failed at keeping up with a normal job)? What if I can’t learn or catch on to a new undertaking?
Adjusting to life at home has had its rewards, but I feel like my brain is pulled in two different directions. On the one hand, I’ve proved to myself a million times over in the past that I can try and succeed at new things. On the other hand, I have been removed from serious employment long enough to think, will I ever do well at something outside of this house?
Perhaps more time on the couch will reveal the answer and boost my self-confidence. That would be nice, since my self-confidence has taken a real dive in the past months. It’s not easy being home.
Have I ever told you how I lost my job?
I’m 27 years old and have fought Lyme for over fourteen years. However, I just experienced one of the lowest experiences I’ve ever had throughout my years of fighting. To put it lightly, it was hell.
I’ve been back at work for several weeks now; after over five months on Antibiotic IV Infusions, I was done with the unsuccessful treatment and ready to move on. My stress level was high at the time, owing to the fact that I had recently received the news that my boss was trying to fire me while I was on Medical Leave from work.
Fighting for my health, fighting for my job, I managed to begin to form a plan on how to proceed physically and I made a pain in the ass of myself, by constantly calling and emailing higher management within my company to try and save my job. Although I loved my job and appreciated it’s close location and relaxed atmosphere, mostly I wanted to prove to my boss that I would not take his bullshit lying down.
I saved my job, and walked back into work with my head held high. Although able to do the physical job itself, it became immediately clear that rumors and gossip had been spread about me and my coworkers not only avoided me, they disliked me to a great degree.
Walking into a room meant walking into many conversations discussing yours truly and the ways I had ruined something, anything. I heard accusations, said in front of my face so that I was meant to hear them, that shocked my mind. Fueled by the fierce jealousy of a young woman who, for someone reason, had taken up the sword of jealously against me some time ago, the atmosphere continued to be… almost unbearable.
This girl did everything in her power to undermine me and point out my mistakes. Once, I made an error and she gleefully, as I looked on, walked up to each of my coworkers and discussed it with them. Anytime I colored outside the lines I was punished by her in some way. One day I had had enough and snapped in a frustrated, though only slightly, attitude and made the fatal mistake of indirectly questioning her ability to do her job (which, strangely enough, was simply to write information on a chalkboard). She, in turn, had my boss publicly question my professionalism in the workplace.
Towards the end of that particular day I was fighting back tears… tears that had come unbidden to my eyes as a survival tool for my body. My chronic illness and the symptoms that go with it began to take over my body. I fought back two anxiety attacks, before rushing to my car and driving to a remote location where no one would see me. I parked my car and immediately began to cry.
Gasping and clenching my hands took over before tears began to flow. I fought for air and leaned my head against my steering wheel as the depression, anxiety and exhaustion took over. I passed out three times in my car because of my desperate gasps for air as I cried with overpowering emotions.
“Why me? Not me, please, not me, please, please not me.” I screamed to no one. My car alone knew how truly ill I was beginning to feel. As I passed out again and again, I lost control of my senses and my ability to control anything in my body. Although my workplace had pushed me to this desperate point my Lyme was showing its true colors as it took over my body.
After that day, things changed. I could no longer handle the jealousy, the gossip, the rumors, and the accusations. Although I tried to simply due my job and not pay attention to the rest, my Lyme disease had changed me and proved to me that it was time to leave.